IRAS :: Volume #9

#891: Sketch «Giving what is desired» ( Part 2 )


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On weibo exploded! 微博上都爆了! Looks at Capital City Spring Festival quickly!” “快看京城春晚啊!” Too face-smacking! This his mother too face-smacking!” “太打脸了!这他妈太打脸了!” Really was anything dares to say Shit!” “真是什么都敢说啊我靠!” I also took!” “我也服了!” Teacher Shanshan, you are my goddess! In my dream the sweetheart! Were you led on another path by face-smacking Zhang that goods? Later do you maybe turn into ‚the face-smacking garment?” 杉杉老师,您可是我的女神啊!是我的梦中情人啊!您怎么也被打脸张那货带领到了另一条道路上啊?以后您别是变成‘打脸衫’吧?” face-smacking garment? Puff!” 打脸衫?噗!” Hahahahaha!” 哈哈哈哈哈!” Teacher Shanshan also had a bad effect on!” 杉杉老师也被带坏了啊!” Son-of-a-bitch, is the book that Zhang Ye writes!” “狗蛋,都是张烨写的本子啊!” This lines Zhang Ye makes, my live broadcast eats to fly in circles!” “这台词要不是张烨弄出来的,我直播吃翔!” Stands in the Spring Festival stage uses cursing at people of Sketch open and aboveboard, was the highest boundary of cursing at people also mediocre? The face-smacking Zhang given name, is not blows really!” “站在春晚舞台上用小品光明正大的骂人,骂人的最高境界也不过如此了吧?打脸张的名号,真不是吹出来的啊!” Yes, stands on the Spring Festival stage to shout abuse in public, I have not been able to look straight ahead!” “是啊,站春晚台上骂街,我已经无法直视了!” Before thinks that the Teacher Zhang shouting abuse in public level broke through the horizon, has not thought that unexpectedly also has the new altitude!” “以前以为张老师的骂街水平已经突破天际了,没想到居然还有新高度啊!” Han Li stupid cunt!” 韩力傻-逼了!” This stupid cunt, is all right you to annoy him to do idly!” “这傻-逼,闲的没事你惹他干嘛!” ...... …… In family. 家里。 Three younger sister tears smiled, smiled also while again was retaking the sofa arm rest, patted to shout one, was good! Too crisp! Scolded them! Then scolded them!” 三妹妹眼泪都笑出来了,一边笑还一边重重拍着沙发扶手,拍一下喊一句,“太牛了!太爽了!骂他们!接着骂他们!” Aunt dumbfounded , this Little Ye!” 三舅妈哭笑不得,“这个小烨啊!” The aunt wipes away sweat saying: This is national live broadcast, Little Ye they said that doesn't have the issue really?” 二舅妈擦汗道:“这可是全国直播啊,小烨他们这么说,真的没问题吗?” Mother spoke, „, let alone was national live broadcast, was global live broadcast, so long as some people have provoked anger him, the boy also dares to curse at people on the stage, his what temperament haven't you known?” 老妈说话了,“别说是全国直播了,就是全球直播,只要有人惹急了他,那小子也敢在台上骂人,他什么脾气你们还不知道?” Two younger sisters shouted to shout: My brother formidable might!” 二妹妹嚷嚷道:“我哥威武!” ...... …… In stage. 舞台上。 Sketch already got on soundings. 小品早已渐入佳境。 Zhang Ye roars to walk anxiously, explained: Whoops Section Chief horse I am not that meaning, I am thinking, that plays ball with the leader becomes favorite who leads? Is this insufficient?” 张烨急哄哄地走过去,解释道:“哎呦马科长我不是那个意思,我想着,那个陪领导打个球就成为领导身边的红人了?这不至于吧?” Dong Shanshan selects the eyebrow, shoots a look at his one eyes: Is insufficient? Hey, Hao Jian, I takes you now, when one's own person! How I make you have a look at my horse Jingjing to arrive gradually today!” During the speeches, she waved the arms about resolutely, has opened the notebook on table. 董杉杉一挑眉毛,瞥他一眼:“不至于?嘿嘿,郝建,我现在拿你当自己人!我就让你看看我马晶晶是怎么一步一步走到今天的!”说话间,她大刀阔斧地一甩手,翻开了桌子上的笔记本电脑。 Zhang Ye takes a look, said with amazement: Leader likes to attempt!” 张烨一瞅,惊讶道:“领导喜好图!” Dong Shanshan shows a faint smile, the finger from the sky shook shaking, I told you, I can clear said fondness, constellation, blood-group and record of one's horoscope each leader!” She is pointing at the screen, this, likes fishing, I dive in the water to hang the fish toward his fishhook on one after another!” 董杉杉微微一笑,手指在空中晃了晃,“我告诉你,我能清晰的说出每个领导的喜好、星座、血型和生辰八字!”她指着屏幕,“这个,喜欢钓鱼,我就潜到水里往他鱼钩上一条一条挂鱼!” Audiences: 观众: Hangs the fish?” “挂鱼?” Tittered!” “噗嗤!” Hahahaha!” 哈哈哈哈!” Dong Shanshan refers to again, this, likes playing mahjong, I opening select the artillery to him! This, likes the curio, I bring to give him to put on string my too Grandpa Buddhist relics, this, likes me......” staring, Dong Shanshan immediately notebook covering, „, therefore, Hao Jian......” 董杉杉再指,“这个,喜欢打麻将,我就把把拆钦给他点炮!这个,喜欢文玩,我就把我太爷爷的舍利拿来给他穿串儿,这个,喜欢我……”一愣,董杉杉立刻将笔记本电脑给盖上了,“所以,郝建呐……” Hahahaha!” 哈哈哈哈!” Likes you?” “喜欢你?” Whoops Hahahaha!” “哎呦哈哈哈哈!” The audiences one smiled to hoodwink! 观众一下笑蒙了! Zhang Ye was also happy, you and others can wait for the meeting, how this spoke of the essential place to give back covers, I most want to listen am this!” 张烨也乐了,“诶你等会等会,这说到关键地方怎么还给盖上了呢,我最想听就是这段啊!” Hahahaha!” 哈哈哈哈!” Good!” “好!” Good!” “好!” The audience applauding sound rises from all directions! 观众叫好声四起! Dong Shanshan delighted [say / way]: Therefore, you know how now I sit this position?” 董杉杉眉飞色舞道:“所以啊,你现在知道我是怎么坐上这个位置的了吧?” Zhang Ye makes an effort to nod, said: Knew, otherwise said that you are fierce the section chief, Kungfu that your this flatters, is the blood in flows!” 张烨用力点头,道:“知道了,要不然说您厉害呢科长,你这拍马屁的功夫,都是血液都里流淌的呀!” Audiences: Hahaha!” 观众:“哈哈哈!” Whom said? Whom said?” Dong Shanshan that just sat down is not glad, complained that referred to him: I said your this mouth!” “说谁呢?说谁呢?”刚坐下的董杉杉就不乐意了,埋怨地指指他:“我说你这个嘴呀!” Zhang Ye said hastily: Yeah, bah bah, you said that I such won't chat? One annoys person pissed off in a moment, I also wondered, I discovered meets each time, this leader solely is the nod is smiles to you, this because you do grow quite attractively?” 张烨连忙道:“哎,呸呸呸,你说我怎么就这么不会聊天?一说话就惹人生气,我也纳闷了,我发现每次开会的时候,这领导就单单对你又是点头又是微笑的,难道这就因为你长得比较漂亮吗?” Dong Shanshan sits as stable as the rock of Gibraltar, happily shows a faint smile, solely is not this!” Visits him, I told you, meeting was the tasteful skill, leader speech, he just a speech ejected his viewpoint, I gave one immediately, um?” She exaggerates makes a face question the expression, leader has thought that how? You question my meaning? When he one all said that I do not know what he said was anything, immediately with one...... Oh!!” She revealed manner that a face was suddenly enlighted, the mouth grows up! 董杉杉稳如泰山地坐着,得意地微微一笑,“不单单是这样!”一看他,“我告诉你,开会是讲究技巧的,领导一讲话,他刚一发言一抛出他的观点,我马上给一个,嗯?”她夸张地做出一脸质疑的表情,“领导就想了,怎么的?你这是质疑我的意思啊?等他一全说完了,我都不知道他说的是什么啊,马上就跟一个……噢!!”她露出一脸恍然大悟的神态,嘴都长大了! Audiences: Hahahahaha!” 观众:“哈哈哈哈哈!” Dong Shanshan said with a smile: I must make the leader feel me by his words baptism, and awakens greatly!” 董杉杉笑道:“我要让领导感受到我被他的话洗礼了,而且大彻大悟!” Listens, Zhang Ye also studied the Dong Shanshan expression to make one, extremely ugly being suddenly enlighted shape, oh!” 听完,张烨也学着董杉杉的表情做了一个,极其难看的恍然大悟状,“噢!” Puff!” “噗!” Too ugly feeding!” “太丑了喂!” Tittered!” “噗嗤!” The audiences smile to pull out! 观众笑抽! Under the stage many Beijing TV Station staff have also been wild with joy, Zhang Ye Sketch, they are actually same as the audience, is first time hears, because this Sketch absolutely does not have time to have a dress rehearsal! 台下很多京城电视台的工作人员也都乐坏了,张烨小品,其实他们跟观众一样,也是第一次听到啊,因为这个小品根本就没有时间彩排! Zhang Ye admires saying: Listens to Monarch words, subverts the philosophy!” 张烨佩服道:“听君一席话,颠覆人生观呐!” Dong Shanshan said: Therefore Hao Jian, you not only need accompany the leader to make the good shot, you must achieve to make the leader be only willing to fight you, making him think that the ball thinks of you, thinks of your hand itchy!” 董杉杉说道:“所以说郝建啊,你不光要陪领导打好球,你还要做到让领导只愿意跟你打,让他一想到球就想到你,一想到你手就痒痒!” Zhang Ye said immediately: I understood, is makes me create the image that owes to punch, my this did owe to punch could be put on regular status?” 张烨立即道:“我明白了,就是让我树立成一个欠揍的形象呗,那我这一欠揍了是不是就能转正了?” Dong Shanshan said with a smile: Far more than is put on regular status.” The desk, has seen, after my this office, was your, Section Chief Hao?” 董杉杉笑道:“何止是转正。”一直办公桌,“看见了吧,我这个办公室以后就是你的了,郝科长?” Zhang Ye waves the hand hurriedly: Whoops does not leave don't!” 张烨急忙摇手:“哎呦别别别别别!” Dong Shanshan also says with a smile: Section Chief Hao!” 董杉杉又笑着道:“郝科长!” The Zhang Ye whole body trembles, whoops does not leave don't!” 张烨浑身哆嗦,“哎呦别别别别别!” Dong Shanshan drew him to go to that side leather chair, Section Chief Hao, Section Chief Hao came, sits down, sat this!” 董杉杉拉着他去了皮椅那边,“郝科长,郝科长来,来坐下坐下,坐这!” Zhang Ye was busy at saying: Not!” 张烨忙说:“不不不!” Feels!” Dong Shanshan presses him. “感受一下!”董杉杉把他按下去。 Not!” “不不不!” Sits.” “坐一下。” Oh!!” “噢!!” Sits again.” “再坐一下。” Oh oh oh!!” “噢噢噢!!” A Zhang Ye face enjoys. 张烨一脸享受。 The audiences have been wild with joy, puff!” 观众乐坏了,“噗!” Zhang Ye holds the chair not to know that to be how good, whoops yo, we also taste to make the leadership the taste, this chair is comfortable, no wonder when you go to work always sleeps, after this, if I doing this seat, I have't can die with the world?” 张烨扶着椅子都不知道怎么好了,“哎呦呦,咱们也尝尝做领导的滋味,诶呀这椅子是舒服呀,怪不得你上班时总睡觉呢,这以后我要是做上这位子了,那我还不得与世长眠了啊?” Dong Shanshan said with a smile: How you want to sleep how sleep, Section Chief Hao?” 董杉杉微笑道:“你想怎么眠就怎么眠,郝科长?” Ring, ring, ring, the telephone came. 铃铃铃,电话来了。 Dong Shanshan meets, feeds, Yao Ju - is long? Can you come now? Good good, that was too whoops good, happen, my this has a good news to wait for you!” Has made the telephone call, she laughs, bureau - long immediately!” 董杉杉接起来,“喂,啊,姚局-长?哦您现在要过来啊?好的好的,哎呦那太好了,正好,我这一有个好消息等着你!”挂了电话,她哈哈一笑,“局-长马上到!” Zhang Ye sets out, was good, which did he come us to go to play?” 张烨起身,“太好了,诶,他来了我们去哪儿玩呀?” Dong Shanshan fires refers, I already prepared to you!” Leads him to arrive at side, there is suspending a simple ping-pong table impressively, this old bureau - was long, his mahjong table I also gave him to process, ha, later, you played here, I gave you, when referee.” She set up the ping-pong net, these Item were specially-made, „, Hao Jian, this to you were not an ordinary ping-pong table, this was the tall ladder of your life!” She has used Northeastern Mandarin comedy tune. 董杉杉一打响指,“我早就给你们准备好了!”带着他来到旁边,那里赫然摆着一个简易的兵乓球台,“这个老局-长进去了,他那个麻将桌我也给他处理了,哈,以后呢,你们就在我这儿玩,我给你们当裁判。”她立起了兵乓球网,这些道具都是特制的,“哈哈,郝建呐,这对你来说可不是一个普通的乒乓球台呀,这是你人生的天梯呀!”她用了东北话的搞笑腔调。 Audiences: Hahahahaha!” 观众:“哈哈哈哈哈哈!” Zhang Ye has gripped the hand of opposite party, honored person Section Chief horse, no, Department Head horse!” 张烨握住了对方的手,“贵人呐马科长,不,马处长!” The Dong Shanshan busy face said with a smile deceitfully: Whoops is not at all! Section Chief Hao?” 董杉杉忙一脸奸笑道:“哎呦不敢当不敢当!郝科长?” Zhang Ye smiles inexpensively: Morning matter Department Head horse!” 张烨贱笑:“早晚的事呀马处长!” Dong Shanshan is glad more inexpensive than her, whoops is not applicable, Section Chief Hao?” 董杉杉乐得比她还贱,“哎呦使不得使不得啊,郝科长?” Comes the person to laugh wildly several, then shakes hand a logically coherent argument: Win-win! Win-win!” 来人狂笑几声,然后握手一通说:“双赢!双赢!” The audiences look very satisfy a craving! 观众看得十分过瘾! Develops really well!” “演得真好!” This they too can do! Hahahaha!” “这俩人太能搞了!哈哈哈哈!” At this time, Music got up. 这时,音乐起。 Dong Shanshan is busy at lowering the head to put on make-up. 董杉杉忙低头化妆化妆。 Zhang Ye took up a Ping-Pong paddle, one's own practices there! 张烨则拿起一个兵乓球拍,自己在那儿练上了! A ball. 一个球。 Two balls. 两个球。 Three balls. 三个球。 Suddenly, outside transmits Voice, loudly shouted to clear the way: Later, if plays table tennis again! Whom I punish!!” 突然,外面传来一个声音,大喝道:“以后谁要是再打乒乓球!我就处分谁!!” Dong Shanshan tarries. 董杉杉呆住。 Zhang Ye also gawked. 张烨也愣了。 The stage atmosphere all of a sudden changed! 舞台气氛一下子就变了! The audiences were happy. 观众乐了。 Hahahaha!” 哈哈哈哈!” Then had the quality of being worth looking at!” “这下有看头了!” Makes you make!” “让你们俩闹啊!” Bureau - is long!” “局-长来啦!” At this time, Yao Jiancai of suit and dress shoes came out, the hair has also gotten in the moss, a doing faction of leader. 这时,一身西装革履的姚建才出来了,头发也打了摩丝,一副领导的做派。 The audiences have sent out warm applause immediately! 观众顿时送出了热烈的掌声! Whoops Chief Yao, how is this?” Dong Shanshan hurries to greet, but also has avoided the line of sight of chief, goes all out to give that side to gesture! “哎呦姚局长,怎么了这是?”董杉杉慌忙上去迎接,还避开了局长的视线,拼命给那边打手势! Zhang Ye is covering the racket, does not dare to have the too big movement, goes to the storehouse bat cautiously. 张烨捂着球拍,不敢有太大动作,小心翼翼地去藏拍子。 Yao Jiancai also with him said at this moment when the Crosstalk appearance was different, the speech is very steady, is very thick, you said that who does not know is, inquired that I like playing the table tennis, now in the bureau some comrades practice when going to work! What behavior is this?” 姚建才此刻也与他说相声时的样子不同了,说话很稳,很厚,“你说也不知道是谁,打听到我爱打乒乓球,现在局里有些同志在上班时就练上了!这是一种什么行为?” Zhang Ye one step moves, hurries to tidy up the ping-pong table carefully intense, puts out a hand to pick the net on ping-pong table. 张烨一步一挪,赶紧小心紧张地收拾兵乓球台,伸手摘球台上的网子。 The audiences were teased! 观众被逗得不行了! Dong Shanshan is still giving Zhang Ye to cover, yo Chief Yao, plays a table tennis not to have anything at the worst.” 董杉杉还在给张烨打掩护,“诶哟姚局长,打个乒乓球也没什么大不了的。” Yao Jiancai stern [say / way]: Hits table tennis itself not anything, but brings to give what is desired, this is the evil trends!” Turns around, happen to saw Zhang Ye to take a ping-pong net. 姚建才正色道:“打乒乓球本身没什么,但是拿来投其所好,这就是歪风邪气!”一转身,正好看见张烨拿了一个乒乓球网。 The audiences smile to spurt, Hahahaha!” 观众笑喷,“哈哈哈哈!” Finally the Zhang Ye next movement, is makes the audience laugh boisterously! 结果张烨的下一个动作,更是让全场哄然大笑! Zhang Ye has gawked the god, puts out a hand, hangs toward the neck on the table tennis net, pinches a head, when also scarf in the future will have flung flinging! 张烨愣了愣神,一伸手,将兵乓球网子往脖子上一挂,捏起一头,还当围巾似的往后甩了甩! Hahahaha!” 哈哈哈哈!” Hello!” 哎呦喂!” Good!” “好!” Good!” “好!” The audiences burst into thunderous applause! 观众掌声雷动! Yao Jiancai joins hands behind the back, the squint has a look at him, scarf?” Dug up to draw the thing on his neck, also had the counterweight?” 姚建才背着手走过去,斜眼看看他,“围脖?”扒拉了一下他脖子上的东西,“还带配重的?” Zhang Ye quibbled: Wind is big, my mother feared that blew loses.” 张烨狡辩道:“风大,我妈怕刮丢了。” Audiences: Hahahahaha!” 观众:“啊哈哈哈哈哈!” Dong Shanshan is busy at breaking through, yeah, this is our unit newly arrived little comrade, come, bureau - was long, sits down saying that sat down to say.” Curries favor with holds him to pass. 董杉杉忙过来解围,“哎,这是咱们单位新来的小同志,来,局-长,坐下说,坐下说。”献媚地扶着他过去。 Yao Jiancai sits on the sofa, looks to Dong Shanshan, said: Section Chief horse, you, but the veteran comrade, our unit had this work style problem, are you this beginning leading role?” 姚建才坐在沙发上,看向董杉杉,道:“马科长啊,你可是老同志了,咱们单位出现了这个工作作风问题,你是不是该起点带头作用呀?” Dong Shanshan sits immediately positively, righteousness words: I said them! I said that you again practice, is impossible to project on Chief Yao that level, Chief Yao in the parent unit, year after year is a champion!” 董杉杉立马坐正,义正言辞道:“我说他们了呀!我说你们就是再练,也不可能打到姚局长那个水平,人家姚局长在原单位,年年都是冠军啊!” „, Do not think highly of me!” Yao Jiancai expression, said: „...... One year is the second place.” “诶,别恭维我!”姚建才语气一顿,道:“……有一年是亚军。” This saying smiled to spurt one group of people! 这话又笑喷了一群人! Puff!” “噗!” Hahahaha!” 哈哈哈哈!” Old Yao really sufficed!” 老姚真是够了啊!” Then, Yao Jiancai sighed angrily said: Actually this table tennis, I hit not much! You said how year after year champion I am?” The big hand wields, „is the moisture content!” 说罢,姚建才气道:“其实这个乒乓球啊,我打的就不怎么样!你说说,年年的冠军我是怎么得的?”大手一挥,“全是水分!” Dong Shanshan flatters saying: Cannot all be the moisture content, you did not say a moment ago, you must one year of second place.” 董杉杉拍马屁道:“不能全是水分,您刚才不是说了吗,您得过一年亚军。” Yao Jiancai takes a look to her nods, „.” Then, that year I was vice- bureau - was long!” 姚建才瞅向她点点头,“是啊。”然后一顿,“那年我是副局-长!” The audiences smiled the belly to hurt! 观众笑得肚子都疼了! Hahahahaha!” 哈哈哈哈哈哈!” I really am not whoops good!” “哎呦我真不行了!” Your mother this was also too funny!” “你妈这也太逗了啊!” Suddenly is a burden! Hahaha!” “冷不丁就是一个包袱啊!哈哈哈!” Satisfied a craving!” “太过瘾了啊!” ...... …… Under stage. 台下。 A stage not far away working space. 舞台不远处的一个工作区域。 Chang Xiaoliang has not smiled from beginning to end, the other people of many Director group are also similar, is not this Sketch comedy, but was they have forgotten to smile radically, but with a vision of being shocked in Zhang Ye Dong Shanshan and Yao Jiancai that three people looking at the stage performed! 常晓亮自始至终都没有笑,很多导演组的其他人也都差不多,不是这小品不搞笑,而是他们根本已经忘了去笑,而都是用一种惊呆的目光在看着舞台上表演的张烨董杉杉姚建才仨人! They were startled really! 他们真的被惊到了! Chang Xiaoliang silent very long time, has a look at side, you determined that they haven't developed Sketch?” 常晓亮沉默了很长时间,看看旁边,“你们确定,他们仨从来没演过小品?” That Chief Director smiles bitterly, has not developed really!” 那副总导演苦笑,“真的没演过啊!” Chang Xiaoliang asked again that you determined, before this is one hour, Sketch that Teacher Little Zhang was just on site to make?” 常晓亮再问,“你们确定,这是一个小时之前小张老师刚刚临场弄出来的小品?” Another female vice- Director said: Yes, within this hour does, I have asked them, before Teacher Zhang, actually absolutely does not have the Sketch book, all was he just the impromptu composition!” 另一个女副导演道:“是啊,就这一小时之内做出来的,我问过他们了,张老师之前其实根本就没有小品本子,全是他刚刚现编的!” I especially want to know a matter now!” Chang Xiaoliang more said is more excited, more said is more excited, one hour, presently comp book, presently carries the lines, three have not developed Sketch blood amateur, does not have including formal dress rehearsal time time, why...... Will cause such splendid Sketch!?” “那我现在就特别想知道一件事!”常晓亮越说越激动,越说越兴奋,“一个小时,现写本子,现背台词,三个从来没有演过小品的血外行,连正式彩排一次的时间都没有,为什么……会弄出这么精彩的一部小品啊!?” Director group: „......” 导演组:“……” Nobody can reply him! 没人能回答他! Because they do not know! 因为他们也不知道啊! This in their opinion, simply is the matter that is unable to understand! 这在他们看来,简直是一件无法理解的事! Let Zhang Ye save the scene, did not have the means in means purely, purely was the dead horse Dang survive horse medicine, said, Chang Xiaoliang they are only hoping Zhang Ye can develop Program, has not actually thought what classics can make Zhang Ye make any, because everyone not possibly knew! But this «Giving what is desired» comes out, they a little were all ignorant! This work...... Too was simply mature! Which this creates likely temporarily? Where can this be three has not developed Sketch amateur? The characters, the performance, the book, the comedy point, the rhythm, decides, the depth, all had! 张烨救场,纯粹是没有办法中的办法了,纯粹是死马当成活马医了,说真的,常晓亮他们只盼着张烨能把节目演完,却从没想过能让张烨做出一部什么什么样的经典来,因为谁都知道不可能!可这《投其所好》一出来,他们全都有点懵了!这作品……简直太成熟了啊!这哪儿像是临时创作出来的啊?这哪儿会是三个根本没演过小品外行啊?人物,表演,本子,搞笑点,节奏,立意,深度,全都有了啊! This his mother clearly is Sketch of CCTV Spring Festival rank!! 这他妈分明是央视春晚级别的小品啊!! Is this Zhang Ye? 这就是张烨吗? Is this is earnest later Zhang Ye? 这就是认真起来以后的张烨吗? Takes a broad view at entire Acrobatics, takes a broad view at entire Entertainment Circle, but also who!? 放眼整个曲艺界,放眼整个娱乐圈,还有谁啊!?
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